Sole Parenting: Digging Deep

Sometimes things just don't go the way you hoped and planned. 

Sometimes you can give it all you've got, for a considerably great length of time, and still things just don't go the way you hoped and envisaged they would.

Sometimes you can give it all you've got and what was broken, what was dysfunctional, what was hurtful and most definitely wrong and unhealthy, will simply not righten itself.

Sometimes you can give it all you've got, and then you simply have to let go and let things be what they truly (and most honestly) were all along. 

Sometimes you just have to let the end come, so what is best, what is truly right and good, will have its place finally and most fully in your life.

Sometimes things just don't go the way you hoped and planned, and you yourself join the ranks of a good number of other ordinary, good people, all at various stages of dealing with loss, with grief, with heartache, with trauma and with crisis... all those components that come about after the dissolving and ending of a significant relationship. 

Sometimes things just don't go the way you hoped and planned, and you yourself join the ranks of others all also parenting alone, as committedly and sacrificially, as only a loving solo parent can.

Sometimes things just plain don't go the way you hoped, and you have to dig incredibly deep. 

You have to dig deep. Real deep. Deeper than you ever previously thought you could envisage having to dig. You have to deep down into your very soul and very core being and find the strength to do what you normally do, whilst also dealing with tremendous grief and heartache. 

Digging deep down to your deepest core essential roots and values, becomes what is key, absolute key, to helping keep you and yours totally centred and incredibly strong is best found there.

A good number of the intelligent, skilled, gifted, amazingly kind people who have sat across from me over the past several months have reminded me often, (without sometimes saying even one word), that no one, absolutely no one, goes into signing on to and committing to a relationship ever expecting it to come to that fork in the road that sees it being cast into a state of brokenness and eventual dissolution. 

We simply don't do that. None of us. We simply do not enter in, anticipating or seeking that. We don't. Never.

We simply don't go in risking getting stung & bitten by hurt. We don't. Never.

We don't go in looking for distress, for trauma, for crisis, for the eventual dissolving of a relationship. We just don't. We don't. We don't. Ever.

We go in instead with hope itself, clearly walking beside us and leading us. 

We go in with hope that what will result will be good, be really healthy, really safe, really lovely and predominately great. 

We go in, hoping beyond hope that it will all prove to be some measure of heaven on earth. We just don't go in seeking hell and hardship, grief and heartache, pain and hurt. We simply don't. We don't. Never.

Digging deep. 

You have to dig so, so deep when a relationship hits the crossroads and dissolves. 

When you find yourself on the other side in this new season, new chapter, and you also find yourself being a sole parent, you now have to dig deep, extra deep..... and then often dig deeper even yet again.

A story shared by a friend came again recently to the forefront of my mind. It was a personal story of there being a time in her life she just had to remind herself to keep solely focused on breathing calmly, steadily, for the next half an hour. 

Why? Why, you may ask? Because the devastation and the traumatic crisis she was going through, after her marriage had fallen apart, literally kept wanting to take her breath away.

Digging deep. Sometimes you just plain have to, because you need to keep yourself on a steady course of literally breathing.

I get it. I totally get it.

You have to dig deep and sometimes just focus also on keeping on with steady, calm breathing, because people are depending on you to dig deep and be a steady, firm rock of support for them. 

You are personally depending on you to dig deep also. You have to dig deep, suck it up, keep your big girl pants tightly belted firmly around your middle and just get on with getting on, because no one, absolutely no one else is going to step in and hold the reigns daily unless you yourself do so.

You have to dig deep on so many levels and in so many ways. You have to dig deep on the kindness front for starters. 

You have to dig deep on the kindness front, because some other folk around you are just not going to be kind. They are going to be thoughtless, they are going to be selfish, they are going to be blatantly blunt and straight up when you just may not feel up to be subjected to their directness,, their harshness, their unwillingness to act with kindness at that very moment in time. They are going to express their prejudices, unleash their presumptions, expose their judgments and you are going to have to weather the fallout about you with as much grace and kindness as you personally can possibly muster.

You are going to have to dip deep on the patience front, because the smallest insignificant comment can send a child off on an emotional rollercoaster and they may not have the actual words yet to explain the grief and the hurt they are deeply feeling. You are going to have to dig deep on the patience front because some folk are just obstructive, obnoxious, biased and you will be the direct target of their own dysfunction.

You are going to have to dig deep on the perseverance front, because a simple phone call to a utilities company to establish personal accounts could take literally hours, because some people just don't communicate well, and records get muddled and lost, and the simplest of things can literally become the most complicated of processes, simply because they can.

You are going to have to dig deep and aim to hold onto something of a sense of humour. One day, yes one day, (even if for now it seems likes it is literally going to be decades away), you will find some of the nonsense and 'poo' you are put through actually quite funny. Today it might not seem so funny, but digging deep, holding on to that which was dug up from the deep, will help you keep your wit in the long run.

Digging deep. There is an art and a skill to digging deep. When life has sent you a hard curve ball, when the 'poo' has finally, most definitely hit the fan and there is no disguising it, you have to dig deep like you have never dug deep before.

There will be clearly those that can identify with having similar experiences of digging deep, and they will gradually come out and cross your pathway. They will see something in you that triggers their own memory or memories of digging deep, and they will feel safe to tell you, in some measure, they too have been in that very same place of having to dig deep.

Digging deep. 

It is a trench and not a pit.

It is a place and practice that is perfectly fitting, most clearly and securely healthy, all the while being the most fitting of steps to take when you are experiencing heartache and grief. Those that dwell in the shallows will never know the depths like you do, nor will they ever obtain them; because digging deep is a masterful art and a most masterful accomplishment. 

Dig deep. Real deep. As deep as you need to go. Dig as deep as you need, because ultimately you have got this, and all is actually well......................and your breath will be most definitely, always most readily and reliably steady.

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